Jul
17
Granny’s little package
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Granny was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her parlor.
He took a seat while she prepared some tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom.
Imagine his shock, surprise, and, curiosity! Surely, Miss Granny had flipped! But he felt he couldn’t mention the strange sight in her parlor.
“When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and the floating item, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.
“Miss Granny” he said while pointing to the bowl, “I wonder if you would tell me about this?”
“Oh, yes,” she replied, “isn’t it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease! And you know,I haven’t had a cold all winter.”
Jul
17
Fresh produce for seniors
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Free fresh fruits and vegetables is a big help for senior citizens with low income. If you are a senior citizen residing in Chemung County, then here is your chance for some fresh local produce for free!
A little while ago, more than one hundred seniors lined up to get their coupons at Elmira’s First Arena. Those who are over the age of sixty can use the 20 dollar coupons at farmer’s markets located in New York State which includes Wisner Park Farmer’s Market in Elmira.
This year, around 580 booklets will be handed out to seniors who are in need. It is on a first come, first serve basis. There will be distributions tomorrow at the Samaritan Center in Elmira between nine and eleven in the morning. Don’t miss this chance for a wonderful opportunity!
Jul
16
The disability joke
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A retired gentlemen went into the social security office to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line a long time, he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver’s license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. “Will I have to go home and come back now?” he asks. The woman says, “Unbutton your shirt.” So, he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” and she processed his Social Security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She said, “You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too.”
*Source: http://www.suddenlysenior.com/seniorjokes.html
Jul
15
Senior citizen gathering
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If you are a senior citizen, you can gussy up a little every first and third Thursday of the month and joint he Senior Citizen Dinner which was formerly held at that Church of Christ and will now be held at the new Ramona Senior Building. Dinner will be served for seniors who are aged 55 and above. The plates would cost 1.75 dollars each.
The door opens at exactly 10AM and then the dinner would be served at noon. This week, all of the July birthdays will be honored and all area residents who are 55 and over are all invited to join.
On Saturday, the 19th of July, The Ochelata Gospel Barn will present the Browders and 2nd Generation. On the 16th of August, Barbara Fairchild and Roy from Branson, Mo. will be performing. This will be a covered dish event.
Jul
14
The door to door salesman joke
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A vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on a door in a Senior community. It was opened by an old lady in a bathrobe.
“Go away” said the old lady. “I haven’t got any money! I’m flat broke!” and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. “Don’t be too hasty, my dear lady!” he said. “Not until you have as least seen my amazing demonstration.”
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. “If this wonderful Kirby vacuum cleaner doesn’t remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, madam, I will personally eat the remainder of it.”
The old Lady stepped back and said, “Well, I sure hope you’ve got a good appetite sonny, because they cut off my electricity this morning.”
Jul
11
5 tips to help start walking
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Walking is a good exercise for anyone. It is especially good for a senior because it is not that complex unlike any other exercise routines. But then, walking can be a bit boring. So here are some tips to get out and walk your way to good health.
1. Find a walking partner. A buddy to accompany you can bring encouragement and motivation. You can have a good pace walking and the experience would not be too dull because you have someone to talk to.
2. Pedometer. The pedometer can help you keep track of your steps and it can be a very excellent moticator. It will help you see how much you are walking everyday and see when you are very successful. You can also keep track of your everyday records and compare the results.
3. Schedule your regular walks. This will ensure that you have a set time for walking.
4. If you have medical problems, consult your physiian first before doing eny exercise.
5. Always start at a a small pace an then try to improve the results are a couple of days or weeks. You will then be surprised on how much you have lost weight.
Jul
10
The healthy food joke
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A 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, die in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to the wife’s neurotic interest in health food.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they oohed and aahed, the old man asked Peter how much of this was going to cost.
“It’s free,” Peter replied, “Remember, this is Heaven.” Next they went out back to see the championship golf course the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on Earth.
The old man asked, “What are the green fees?”
“This is heaven,” St. Peter replied. “You play for free.”
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine’s of the world laid out.
“How much to eat?” asked the old man.
“Don’t you understand yet?” St. Peter asked. “This is heaven. It’s free!”
“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?” the old man asked timidly. “That’s the best part…you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.”
The old man looked at his wife and said, “You and your darn bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!”
*Source: http://www.suddenlysenior.com/seniorjokes.html
Jul
9
Use it or lose it
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Reuters Health - Researchers gave out a new advice for older men on how they could somehow preserve their sexual function. The advice is to have sex and have it often.
After testing older men for five years, they have noticed that those who were having sex regularly at the start of the study were at a much lower risk of developing erectile dysfunction by the end of the study. It seems in the study that the more they had sex, the lower their ED risk becomes.
The researchers are then encouraging men to stay sexually active into their golden years. There are a number of factors that contribute to ED which include age, heart disease, diabetes, and sexual activity.
ED occurs when there is a present problem with the blood flow to the penis. With regular sexual activity, it will help in maintaining a healthy blood vessel function in the tissues. To cap it off, the researchers noted, “use it, or lose it.”
Jul
8
The Witty Senior Joke
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An elderly man in Adelaide calls his son in Sydney and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing… forty-five years of misery is enough.” Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams. “We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Brisbane and tell her,” and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”
She calls her dad immediately, and screams at the old man, “You are NOT getting divorced! Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and then hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife… Okay,” he says, “They’re coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.”
*Source: http://www.silvercitizen.com/senior-citizen-jokes.html
Jul
4
Programs for elders struggle due to gas price
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Is anyone not struggling with today’s gas price? I think nobody isn’t. The officials at the Faulkner County Senior Citizens Center are starting to run out of options and are slowly getting desperate. They help in delivering 300 meals on wheels a day to the seniors in Conway alone and the soaring price of gasoline is not helping at all.
They are now cutting back on the meals on wheels program to just three days a week for the very first time since they have started operating in thirty years. Some of the drivers said that the choice to cut back is not really a choice at all. It’s more on the side of they have no choice at all. They said that they have never seen it go bad and they think that it will get worse.
If the government leaders do not step up and increase the funds for in-home services, then thousands of seniors will be forced in to nursing homes. I think this is a wake up call. The government should answer this call.