Oct
2
The Queen
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I received this picture from my e-mail and I could not actually believe the snapshot. I was laughing pretty hard when I first saw the picture and I bet you’ll laugh twice as hard.
It turns out that she doesn’t like what she’s seeing. Is it because of the calories? Maybe.
Sep
29
Elderly confusion poem
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Hair thinning, hanging and falling
I think I’ve forgotten my name
Slowly but surely I’m falling
Down a spiraling drain
I tried to hold on to my sanity
Now they say I’m insane
I used to have such vanity
Not down a spiraling drain
I can remember 50 years ago
The falling in love, the pain
Now I can’t go out solo
I’m in a spiraling drain
What did I have for lunch today?
Was it pie and mash again?
Where am I going, what can I say
I’m in a spiraling drain
It’s 1950 in my head
I’ve tried to remember in vain
They say I’ve got to go to bed
I hate this spiraling drain
What did I do that was so bad?
I’ll never do it again
My life has now become so sad
Sinking in a spiraling drain
*source: http://www.authorsden.com/visit/viewPoetry.asp?id=27258
Sep
23
Memory gap joke
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When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out. I stopped and asked him what was wrong. He said, “I have a 22 year old wife at home. She rubs my back every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.”
I said, “Well, then why are you crying?”
He said, “She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies, cleans the house and then watches sports TV with me for the rest of the afternoon.”
I said, “Well, why are you crying?”
He said, “For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love with me until the wee hours”
I said, “Well, why in the world would you be crying?”
He said, “I can’t remember where I live!”
Sep
18
Raise the dead joke
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Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television.
The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, “I guess you just don’t get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead.”
Sep
16
The family tradition joke
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Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special day, they’d each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink. So when Bubba’s 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Jim Bob took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of the boat… and nearly drowned! Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother. ‘Grandma,’ he asked, ‘it’s my 21st birthday, so why can’t I walk ‘cross the lake like my pappy, his father, and his father before him? ‘Granny looked deeply into Bubba’s troubled eyes and said, ‘Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July, you frickin’ idiot.’
Sep
12
Honesty on the Internet
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When seniors want to look younger, cooler, healthier and attractive, this has to be on their list.
Source: http://www.swapmeetdave.com/Humor/Seniors.htm
Sep
8
Wrong Color Suit Joke
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An old lady was very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she started crying. The mortician walked over to comfort her. Through her tears she explained that she was upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his fervent wish to be buried in a blue suit.
The mortician apologized and explained that traditionally they always put bodies in a black suit, but he’d see what he could arrange.
The next day she returned to the funeral parlor to have one last moment with Albert before the funeral the following day.
When the mortician pulled back the curtain, she managed a smile through her tears as Albert was resplendent in a smart blue suit. She said to the mortician, “Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful suit?”
“Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband’s size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit,” the mortician replied. “His wife was quite upset because she wanted him buried in the traditional black suit.”
Albert’s wife smiled at the undertaker.
“After that,” he continued, “it was just a matter of swapping the heads.”
*Source: http://www.swapmeetdave.com/Humor/Seniors.htm
Sep
4
Quotes from Actual Insurance Claims
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• Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I didn’t have.
• In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
• I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
• I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
• I told the police I was not injured, but on removing my hat I found that I had a fractured skull.
• The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run. So I ran over him.
• I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment
*Source: http://www.swapmeetdave.com/Humor/Seniors.htm
Sep
2
The senior and the trooper joke
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*Source: http://www.silvercitizen.com/senior-citizen-jokes.html
A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. “This is great,” he thought as he roared down I-75. He pushed he pedal to the metal even more.
Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.”I can get away from him with no problem” thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph!
Then he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this kind of thing.” He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him.
The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man. “Sir,” he said, looking at his watch. “My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”
The man looked at the trooper and said, “Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back.”
The trooper replied, “Sir, have a nice day.”
Aug
27
Signs of getting old
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Source: http://www.suddenlysenior.com/seniorjokebook3.html
You may be getting older:
When your sweetie says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Pick one, I can’t do both!”
When your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.
When a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
When going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
When you don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.
When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
When getting a little action” means you don’t need to take any fiber today.
When “Getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot.
When an “all-nighter” means not getting up to pee.